Would I Do It Again?

June 2007, I find out from my sister that my daddy had a mass on his left kidney.  Remember early on I told we had a broken relationship.  I was on my knees asking God to open the door before me to allow me to talk to my daddy.  The first try the telephone line was busy. God's timing.  The second day I prayed again and made the call, only this time I left a message for him.  God's timing. My daddy returned my call and we didn't miss a beat.  How awesome is our God!  See I believe with all my heart it was God's perfect timing for me to be preoccupied on my daddy and his salvation than my marriage at the time.

From June until October,  I was with my daddy most of the time spent with him at the hospital.  My sister and I both relieved each other over the weekends.  It was August 31, 2007,  I returned home for a long weekend to spend with my family.  Labor Day weekend was when I truly new the truth.  God will reveal what is in the dark and bring to light in His perfect timing.

I remember the day as clear as today.  It was when I made a telephone call to a friend to tell her happy birthday.  During our conversation she told me one of the girls there was having an affair with a married man.  I knew from that point it was with my husband.

How could I even think that the enemy could get even his little toe in our marriage?  Wrong not only did he put his little toe he put his paws and claws and everything he had.  This is where I felt like Job.  God had spared our children but for the rest it was gone.

Job 34:22
"there is no darkness nor shadow of death where the workers of iniquity may hide themselves".

I admire the ones of you that have handled this as Job did.  I laid in the mud with the pigs, rolled around screaming and kicking when no one was looking having myself a pity party.  Not only was I now dealing with my daddy's last days but finding out about the affair.  This wasn't easy for me to find out I didn't have the relationship with God, as I had thought.

Not Relying on God!

I just knew that God had a job to do in me but what was it?  I seemed to have it all together but now I wasn't so sure.  How will I ever please God through this?  Can I overcome and give true forgiveness?

I thought I had all the right answers and I was strong enough to go through this and please God.  I was so wrong.  I didn't understand myself, I would decide one way, but then I act another.  I did things I absolutely despise.  This was a very hard lesson to learn.  I'm a problem solver and this time I couldn't solve my own problems.  The bad behavior that had taken over me and almost killed me.

My eyes and mind where going to get the best of me.

Every time I went somewhere or past by somewhere they had been.  This would cause a chain of events for me.

First I needed the weapons to fight this off, none better than scripture and worship.

Psalm 119:37
"Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way"

It was God's word and many songs of worship that went before me approaching a place that brought heartache to me.  It got me through those deep dark places.

Thankful

Thank you Lord for sparing our children and grandchildren.  What about me, my heart has been ripped out and thrown away.  Lord you know I married him and it was all about true love.  Now where is the love?  Yes Lord, you joined us together and we are one in you.  I understand that whatever he goes through I will go because we are one in You.  Did my husband think about that before he crossed the line that ripped my heart out.

There was so many times that I wanted to throw in the towel and just call it quits.  I couldn't because my husband had ask God and myself to forgive him. 

What I had come to learn and know was I wanted to please God with all my heart and not tear my family apart.  I wanted to be strong and faithful.  God showed me I wasn't strong as thought I was or as forgiving as I should be.  The easy way out was to divorce and not have to deal with it.  Easy, so easy it is written:

After all, scripture does tell us God will grant a divorce for this sin.  If you continue to read scripture you will also find out, God is against divorce or anything that separates a family.  My husband had ask for forgiveness, this was going to be such a struggle for me.  I didn't know true forgiveness!

Covenant not contract with God.  The marriage is a covenant with God meant only for one husband, one wife that is joined together by God.  When two becomes one in Christ.  No one else should be allowed into your marriage except the one who joined you together, God.